I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
