i already hear my dad disowning me
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
