For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
