How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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