My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Randomize
