Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
