He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
