I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
