If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
