I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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