I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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