Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
