if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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