Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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