i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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