I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
