Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
