I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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