jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
