so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
