I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
