a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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