He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
