when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
