After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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