I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
