I haven't been this sober since birth.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
