i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
