dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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