There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
