If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
