I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
