oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
nutella sex= disaster
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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