I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
