so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
