I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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