She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
