my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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