First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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