I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
