You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
