found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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