I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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