Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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