People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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