An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
