you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
