I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
