i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
