I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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