I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
